a journal entry

I found a journal entry that I particularly like from a while back. It reminds me of how far I have come in my grief. Never did I think it was possible for me to live without my mother. What is so amazing, is that I have, and I am doing so well.
Before I leave you with the entry I would like to share something. My mother kept telling me that I would trip over her when she was gone. She would be everywhere. She is. The other day I was walking into Church with my boys when crazy gusts of wind came out of the middle of nowhere! At least two people near me remarked about it and how it would be such a great kite flying day. Kites are something related to my mother. That's a story for another time. Then, as fast as the wind came, it was gone. While in Church, I was alone with a 4 month old and a 4 yr old. It was rough and I was handling it pretty well. Colin was screaming and Christian was fine so I had to keep walking around a bit. Near the end, this woman behind me, an older woman, tapped on my shoulder. I thought, "Oh great, she is going to tell me what a pain, we are, or that Christian needs to stop looking through all of his books, etc..."
She instead leans into my ear and says, "You are SUCH a good mother." I was blown away. For me, that is the best compliment in the world. Ever since my mother passed away, I have strived even harder than before to be an incredible mother. It wasn't until I got home that I put it all together. Magic isn't necessary. Signs can be subtle. This was my sign, from my mother, telling me somehow, inspiring this woman to tell me that I am doing a good job. That was all I needed.

Feb. 6, 2010

Every day I wake with a lump in my throat which is the ache from my heart. I look out and see the sun and his swing set and think of spring. Then, the lump gets bigger because I know she most likely won't be here.

a picture of my mother a week or so before she died...